11th dimension

reasons i didn't go to homecoming:
i didn't want to go with the person who was going to ask me
the person who was going to ask me ultimately did not
almost all of my friends had dates from the same group as the aforementioned person
all of their dates were... out there. another reason: i'm an immature brat.
but mainly because i knew you weren't going to be there.

i've forgotten everything about the day because i'm so tired. i tire of people easily, except you i guess. you're a constant contradiction. if something is unendurable in others, i adore it in you. i'm oblivious and walk into things and am the last to know, but if something is wrong with us i notice immediately. i think i've skipped a class mainly to see you. tonight i lied, went to san francisco, pretended to go to homecoming, instead ate chinese takeout and watched an audrey hepburn movie, changed into my homecoming dress, drove around, broke curfew, and illegally transported a minor just to avoid not seeing you. double negative double contradiction doublethink sleep sleep sleep sleep sleep forever

my god. i never wanted this to happen because love, more so than beauty, intelligence, charisma, or a gun, is power, and the last thing i want is for you to hold power over me. if i was capable of learning i'd say that could only end badly.
i can't. i'm a machine. crisis averted. not. disaster avoidance avoided. this is why i have to break the rules because if i don't i'm a robot i'm not right i'm less right than i was
but robots don't sleep

maybe you're the same as me

i couldn't begin to explain what you mean to me. you're weird and standoffish with multiple personalities and acne and clothes that are too big for you. you're awkward and confusing and a jerk and your friends are just as bad but somehow when i see you none of that matters anymore.

"how are you?"

i guess i'm fine because my heart's still beating.

california

driving with the windows down, wind in my hair, laughing smiling crying, ocean spray, salt tangled hair, fog forming the edge of the earth, magnetic turf, smell of scorching rubber, wide blue sky same sky keeping me sane distracting from those blue eyes. cherry cola, sunshine, candy eyes, disco balls, fish lips, fishnets, sporadic pouring rain. reptilia reptilia reptilia, this is it, despair kill me rip me apart locked box scribbling ink stains blood stains end this for me. fallen pedestal reorientation suntanned klutz. green grass, sun eyes, sprinklers "look out it's raining" skater boys sideways smiles messy hair up on a hill, stop to pretend, stop pretending, elation, desperation, lumberjack plaid, from at the top of the world to stuck in the middle with you. shiny cars, grassy lawns, sparkling facade, city lights, racing against sunbeams, living forever. orange juice dripping down your chin, sequins and faux fur, we bleed purple, cigarette smoke, ornate intricate jeweled music, minimalist, fairy lights, black and white, voice like money. smudged eyeliner, cappuccino froyo liberally adorned with rainbow sprinkles 40 pushups conceptual physics chocolate cheesecake bowling ball forever unfulfilled. hpg, ap carpet, bleacher, white shirt, apple, you, thank you

glance

i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry if i could i'd take back every last time i made it seem like i cared any less than i do... which is nearly all the time. i don't expect you to understand why because i haven't any idea myself.
just know i'd give up almost everything for this to be right.

plaid

i really like hate don't know what to make of you.

please don't slow me down

the wait is over now i'm taking over