wonderlust

i will not have a free weekend until after i take the sat in 2 weeks. which does not make as much of a difference as you'd think, because lately my friends have almost all been pissing me off.

they - not all of them, but a good number - are so preoccupied, with grades and college and being the best, and judgemental, that because they've never gotten a detention (or worse) or smoked anything they're better than the other half of people i know - including me - , and desperate, to hang out with guys none of them actually like.

yeah, they have their moments. i like them most of the time. these are the qualities that, after years of being around them, after my need for a niche on this coast has been met, after i've had the chance to know them, are starting to kill me.
they like me most of the time. as vain as it sounds i believe most of the people who can see a certain side of me do... but i can never like anyone all of the time, and to love? the idea is inconceivable.

not even you. i thought you were different in my mind, but my affection for you ricochets between "madly in like" and "want to smash your head into a concrete wall" and bounces off every in-between you could possibly imagine, depending on your noticeable affection for me that day and the date of your last haircut (the farther away, the better... within reason).

the worst part is, you seem to be exactly the same as me in this aspect.

i am a shallow, narcissistic, moody, reckless, ruthless, oblivious, selfish, needy, careless, stubborn, manipulative, utterly unfeeling, hypersensitive, terrible, terrible person. i cease to be all but 2 or 3 around you, and then i pretend the rest have never existed in my being.
the strange part is, i wish it were true.

i do want you. i just don't want you with me. does that make sense? i care too much about you to want to corrupt you, take everything out of you, treat you like shit, ...break your heart. which is inevitable.
i don't care that you might be exactly the same - if you end up so, i wouldn't want to be with you at all.
it's better that you remain an idea, a symbol, a dream - something perfect in my conception of this world if not in reality. allow me to continue fabricating your thoughts, your wishes, your story. in my mind, all i have is true, and can remain so.
and maybe it's better for you, too, if i remain nothing more than the green light at the end of a dock. the closer i am to the stars in your world, the farther i am from where i think i might have to end up.

i think i'll go back to tumbling. this is harder and less fun and i always end up sharing too little or far too much.